when my dad was in college he had a friend who told a girl he’d take her on a date unlike any other she’d ever been on and so he took her to the supermarket to watch the lobsters fighting in the lobster tank

they’re married now


the first step to any murder is to have fun and be yourself



To me, a pre-nup screams “I don’t think our relationship is going to last and I think that when if fails you will try to take all my money.” 

If you proposed to me, then you know the type of person I am and to even imply that I would be after your money if our relationship went bad is an insult to me.

I’d rather insult you than possibly lose all my money, very easy decision. 


i am so jealous of all the people who are comfortable with who they are physically and mentally



What if Gordon Ramsay voiced a GPS

"Great job, you missed the exit you fucking disgrace."


He wouldn’t move until I turned it on…


that girl u just called fat? that’s a plant. u need glasses